In 1919, a lofty idealist named Romain Rolland wrote a declaration for the independence of the mind. In it, he argued for people to commit to serving the truth without prejudice.
While I agree with this idea that we should uphold our morals and encourage others to do the same, I want to discuss the concept of independence of the mind in a more personal way.
I have struggled throughout my life with not standing up for myself. It can be as simple and humorous as liking a certain musician and wanting to share that with a friend. I ask what they think and they say they don’t like that artist and their music isn’t great. Instead of just simply saying, “oh well, I kinda like them and have been listening to their latest album,” I agree and shut up.
Not standing up for your opinions
Not standing up for my opinions in small ways doesn’t seem like a big deal and maybe it isn’t. Not everyone has to know my opinion and sometimes expressing my opinion could end up getting me teased.
However, it’s a sign that I’m not able to give myself the ability to have my own opinions. No one can get to know me if I am just agreeable and hide my true thoughts.
What’s worse is that because I decided not to defend the musician I liked, I would often shrink and stop listening to that musician even in private. I not only didn’t stand up for my view but I was also easily swayed by other people’s opinions.
This led to me being a wishy-washy person with no real personality. I would try to “feel out” what others thought. And this concept verges on my struggle with trying to be a people pleaser. I’m not sure which came first – wanting to please people or being afraid to express myself.
Results in loss of confidence
But whichever it was, here I was and the result was a loss of confidence in myself. People could tell I had no backbone and would be easily swayed by their influence.
It’s difficult to be happy when everyone else is pulling you in all these directions. Your head spins and you’re constantly looking outward for help with decisions – decisions that should be ultimately yours.
Stop caring about what others think
It’s fine to care about what others think. It’s what makes us empathetic. But when other’s thoughts take more precedence than our thoughts, it becomes detrimental to our mental health.
It’s exhausting to people-please and put others first all of the time. We can create a prison in our minds worrying about what others think. Instead of being able to make decisions that would be best for us, we may “hear” the voices of other’s opinions in our heads. These voices make it difficult for us to live our lives and can cause undue stress.
If you have an over-preoccupation with perception and trying to please people’s expectations, then you can go mad.
Benedict Cumberbatch
Being a people pleaser sucks
I used to try very hard to please everyone around me. I did it because I wanted them to like me. But what I found was that by doing this, I was only making life harder on myself and I was actually losing instead of gaining the respect of those around me.
Instead of my pleasing nature making people like me more, it had the effect of making people think I was a pushover. Some subtly took advantage of this and twisted my arm by ridiculing or bullying me into doing something they wanted.
Close family members have told me that my inability to make decisions at times was annoying. Although their words hurt, it was true. I realized I had problems making decisions because I wanted to make the “right” decisions – decisions that others would like me for, not decisions that I would like.
I started saying a mantra to myself to help me get over this dilemma. “You don’t like everyone so why does everyone need to like you?”
People don’t care that much about your life
I also started to realize, which one tends to do as they get older, that no one is really paying that much attention to your life nor do they care. Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives or are only interested in your life as to how it relates to their life.
I don’t want you to think that everyone is selfish because of this. Just think about yourself. Even if you care too much about what others think, you’re really thinking about your own reputation in their eyes.
Selfishness doeesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be good to be a little selfish to take care of your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Many people who focus entirely on give, give, give end up overwhelmed, fatigued, and stressed.
Jaime Elmer
Not caring so much about what others think will relieve the pressure you have on yourself to try to please a bunch of different people. You’ll be free to live your life the way you want to. And you may find the people that you truly can relax with and enjoy being around.
You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!
Olin Miller
Set up your mind
What do you believe in? What are your boundaries?
It’s extremely difficult to figure out who you are and what you want and be consistent with it. However, if you don’t make strides to set up your mind and grow some roots, you will be easily influenced by everything around you and be nothing but a loose leaf blowing in the wind.
According to Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, it’s important for a person to set their morals, standards, principles, and boundaries.
People will respect those who know what they want and what they will tolerate. When you don’t establish your principles, you don’t have a guideline to hold yourself to. It’s easy to come off as ironic or wishy-washy.
Knowing your boundaries will allow you to better interact with the world. You will filter what people say, experience, etc. through your standards and then respond in a way that matches what you want for your life.
This gives you the independence of mind from the outside world.
Strengthen your mind
After setting your boundaries and deciding on your principles, it’s now on you to uphold them. This can be very challenging especially when you’re faced with a situation or person that pushes you.
You may also have to deal with people who have been in your life before you decided to become more independent and who don’t like this change. But remember, if they truly care about you, they will support your efforts. If they don’t, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship with them.
Get used to saying “no” and hearing “no” from others. Having a more independent mind means strengthening yourself for potentially disagreeable interactions. However, just because you get a no or you turn someone else down (politely, I hope!), it doesn’t mean the end of a relationship. It also doesn’t mean that they will no longer like you.
Standing on your own can feel lonely sometimes and you may realize you have even come to rely on others helping you make your decisions. At first, you may feel insecure about getting a lack of input from others but embrace this awkward feeling. As you practice making your own decisions based on what you want, you’ll gain confidence and satisfaction in yourself and it will get easier to be independent.
Conclusion
Gaining independence of mind is difficult. First, you have to reflect on what you want and what your principles are. From there, you have to implement them in your daily life.
People in your life may at first seem to buck at your change but as you go on or talk to them about what you hope to achieve, they will adjust and learn to respect your independence.
A happier life is a balance between taking in influence from the outside world and projecting what you want from the inside. If you take in too much influence from the outside, it may make you feel unhappy and out of control. You are just a product of society, other people, etc. If you project too much from the inside, then you can end up having a very warped reality and can push a lot of good people in your life away.
Independence of mind, as it relates to this post, is about owning your mind and what you want. It’s the interaction between you and the world. The balancing point at which you feel like you are living your best, happiest life while still being inspired by the world around you.
Live happier,
Nicole
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5 replies on “Independence of the Mind”
What a positive post! You make some great points and I’ve gleamed a lot from reading this. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for reading! I’m glad you learned some new things from it 🙂
This is a great post. I’ve only just learnt to say no and stand up for my own opinions. With my ongoing mental health struggles, it’s important I focus on myself sometimes.
Thanks for this post, it was helpful.
Thank you for reading! It is important to re-focus on yourself when you feel like you have spent too much energy on everyone else. You can only help others if you help yourself first. I hope that makes sense. It’s not selfish. It’s that life is a marathon so you have to make sure you’re mentally okay and not burnt out. I’m glad the post was helpful! – Nicole
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